To my first born. My heart, my everything, my whole entire world.
Baby girl, our time is dwindling.
I know that that isn’t REALLY true, but some days it feels like it. Your baby sister will be here tomorrow morning, and sometimes it just still feels like there’s SO much we haven’t gotten the chance to do together yet- just US.
And the truth is, my heart is breaking a little bit.
I know how big and exciting and wonderful this is going to be to add to our family, but I get scared. Will you still know just how much we love you? Will you still feel it, even when Mama and Daddy are busy and distracted with a newborn that sometimes doesn’t stop crying? Will you still know exactly how much we love and adore you, even in those moments when it feels like everything in YOUR little world has been turned upside down too?
I question myself sometimes. As your mama, AND as a mama to your new little sister. I wonder how on earth it will ever be possible to love another little person as much as I love you. I wonder how it’s even remotely possible to fit that much love for this tiny new stranger into a heart that’s already bursting full. And I know that I will love her, and that you will too. I know our hearts can grow and expand, and learn to love even more, but as the last days of just the two of us come to a close, I can’t help but mourn a little over what we’re losing.
And I’m scared.
Especially on the days when things are already challenging with just YOU. I wonder how I’ll be able to manage when I’m already stressed, and tired, and feeling a little (or a lot) overwhelmed. I worry that I’ll yell too much, and not show you enough compassion. I worry that the things we once loved to do together will get glossed over or ignored completely. And I worry that you’ll feel forgotten and neglected in this crazy adjustment phase we’re about to be thrown into.
Because in all honestly, I feel like we’re just finally hitting that sweet spot, baby girl. We’re out of the fog of babyhood, but you’re not QUITE too big to be too cool to hang out and love on your mama. We’re in that spot where life just sort of ‘is’ and we don’t have to think or try so hard. That spot where we can sit and giggle about all of the silly things that happened to us today, or where you will tell me unprovoked that you love me because I’m your best girl. It’s been just you and me for so long, that I’m not even sure HOW to go about fitting enough love for another person into this heart that’s already overflowing.
But if there’s ever been a single truth in all of this, it’s that you are and will ALWAYS be my baby. Even when a new baby comes home that is tiny, and loud, and makes me forget how to be a human from time to time. Even when you have to share mama’s attention in different ways than you’ve ever had to before. I want you to always remember JUST how much mama loves you. You have forever changed me in the most amazing, wonderful, exhausting, sometimes frustrating, but always worth it kind of way. And I am constantly left wondering how on earth I am supposed to love another person just as much as I love you.
But if I can promise you one thing, it is that you will never be less important to me. It is going to be hard, and our world is going to feel a little chaotic for a bit, but we will get through this, and one day we will look back and wonder what life even FELT like before your sister was a part of it.
And I’m ready, I think. WE are ready. I can’t wait for your little sister to get here. I can’t wait to see YOU with her. To watch you take on this whole new role of “big sister” and to watch the love grow between the two of you in ways I never even imagined possible. And I can’t wait to be right there by your side through all of it.
I love you so much, baby girl!